My group is matthew wallace, ervin lee, chukwudi nwamba, jordan shafer, edwardo cerame, aaron vance, joseph fraga, terrance tyus, stephen thompson, john

Track 9: Party in the USA

Greetings Blogspace,

It feels like a lot is going on in my world right now. But as I take the time to think about it, its all good in the hood.

I'm working, going to class, finally go my MSTEM money so my finances are in the black, have a great boyfriend who, despite the distance, I get to see at least every other day due to fate or some stroke of genius on my part.

My mom and I are still on decent terms, my friends and I are as weel. Though I must admit, I'm sure I could do a better job of keeping up with them. Like I don't see lex as much as I probably could. This is due mostly to me choosing to see Mark over her. Gonna have to do a better job of managing, I presume.

I booked my flight to ATL at the end of the summer. Which is noteworthy due only to its superficial foreshadowing.

Had my first day of training to work with PTP (which means I'll have to be driving to Ann Arbor every day this week). I'm fairly excited about this job because I get to figure out how to lead a group of.... idk what to call them. I was going to call them 'kids' but we're only a year apart in age. I guess I'll just call them 'students.'

Whatever you call them, I'm excited to teach them all that I know about college thus far and to help them in their transition.

The only thing I'm not looking forward to is dealing with the kids who go to a different school or are in a different major. I'm sure I can handle them too, it would just be easier if the dynamic was more monotone.

I'm really worried that I need to make sure they see me as someone to talk to and also their facilitator.

We shall see how that goes, I guess.

I have physics tomorrow and we get back our exams, I really hope I did well, that would take a lot of pressure off. If not, next weeks exam may be tougher than I thought.

I guess that's all for now.

Adios!

Track 8: Flaws and All

not quite sure how organized this blog will turn out to be. You've been Warned.


I feel like I've been dealing with a lot lately.

For starters, my finances have be in the hole as of the pass couple of weeks, or months, I can't quite remember. I do know, however, that I've become terribly used to paying for things in quarters.

It just really hasn't been working out for me.

This lack of money has really affected how i view myself and my level of productivity this summer. Quite frankly, taking physics is costing me a lot of money. Not because the class is expensive, but because it takes up so much of my time that i cant work as much as I would like. which means I have to take jobs that are willing to work around that schedule, which are the lesser paying jobs.

But I guess I can't complain. Like I've previously blogged, this is the best of summers I could possibly plan and just because I don't have all the money in the world doesn't mean I can't be happy.


In other news, I believe I've been sabotaging my own health. I've been eating recklessly and not working out. I'm sure my health doesn't have much leeway for binging and that I'm a weekend of gorging away from diabetes or high blood pressure, or some other stigmatized fat people disease. Hopefully, I do something about it soon. It just is so discouraging. For the most part I'm happy, or at least content, with the way I look. But there are other times when I'm disgusted with the sight of myself naked. Like I seriously don't understand how Mark continues to have sex with this body. Luckily, such a sentiment isn't terribly common. It is frequently enough to make me gorge. Just kinda get stuck in the idea that I'll never be any thinner than I am right now.

I've made so many excuses for why I cant work out, or wont stop eating pizza. its just easier to use food as my weed.....

Don't be confused, I haven't gained a significant amount of weight. Just enough not not be able to take a decent picture.

I know I need to do something about this, cuz its not gonna just go away on its own.

Currently watching Madea's Family Reunion. I like this one, cuz its about love. I can't watch the other one, Diary of a Mad Black Women, cuz the cheating thing hits too close to home.
I guess this one should hit a little close to home since it has a lil molestation in it and some crazy family issues. Idk why, I find this one to be sweet. Maybe its the love. Its so strong in this movie.

Status update: Mark and I are great as far as I can tell.

Gotta go now, its that deep ass scene with Maya Angelou and the other old women spitting some wisdom to everybody at the reunion.

Adios!
#Prayforme

Why does forbidden fruit seem so sweet?

I can really think myself into a hole.

worrying about the past, the 'what if's, the 'i wish's, and other things that really just make my being uncomfortable.

I'm goonna have to stop that n b content with the current life God has blessed me with. Because in the end, I know he will take care of me. =)

Track 7: We. Gone. Make It.

I need...

so i began typing that before Mark Skyped me.

I was about to blog about how i missed him and how beautiful love is.

I don't really feel like it now, just know, that shit is GREAT =)

Track 6: Rough Patch

Today began very discouragingly.

Physics, I'm afraid is not my cup of tea. I feel sooooooo lost.
Al i need is a C+ for the credit [and not the grade] to transfer but sheesh. I don't see myself doing to well on that first test with the minimal levels of understanding I have right now

I just felt so defeated
I'm so tired of the class already
and I'd honestly rather just not.
But alas, I need the class to declare my major.

In addition, I'm am no one to take an 'F' sitting down.
So tonight, the paln is to go through every chapter we've 'covered' and figure out what I know and don't know.
And tomorrow schedule office hours with the 'prof' so he can help me
he's kind of an ass, so i'm sure he;ll object and judge my intelligence, but at this point I don't give a damn....

Aside from that, my plans for the night include doing my nails and reading at least.... 2 chapters of Proverbs.
My Jesus cup has been a little empty lately, gotta step that connection game up.

Mark and I are fine, I think.
He seemed a little distant today but i could have been because he was tired.
Idk, only time will tell i guess.

Nothing else is really wrong, I guess.
Hoping the training for my next job wouldn't interfere so much with my current job cuz lord knows I need this money...

Really need my MSTEM money, it's holding me back from so many things in life! lol

That is all for now.
hopefully today doesn't end to much like how it started

Track 5: Monday Morning Anti-Blues

I'm pretty sure I have nothing useful to say.

The only update I have, it seems, is that this summer is going way better than I thought it would.

Friends, love, and family =)

Track 4: 99 Problems

Its hard to say that I'm not enjoying my summer.

No matter how hard I try to avoid it, I keep finding that glimmer of hope.

I hate being so far away from Mark, but the distance has actually brought us closer together. Our communication is pretty tight.

I ABSOLUTELY HATE my Physics class, but had I taken it during the school year, I would've hated it for completely different reasons.

I'm finding, day by day, that I have very little to complain about.

I have a great family who I'm pretty sure actually loves me.
A boyfriend who seems to be some sort of head over heels for me.
Great friends I know I can call on.
Two well paying Summer Jobs.
And I'm managing to get a required course out of the way.

My summer, I must admit, is not everything I had hoped it to be. But, then again, what in life is? How often are you able to say 'Today, everything went exactly as planned and I'm 100% sure that it turned out the best it could have?'

My point is, things can always 'be better.'
My mom could stop bitching about random stuff, MSTEM could give me the $750 they owe me, and BP could figure out what the hell they're going to do with that oil spill.
Quite frankly if you always focus on what 'isn't' you never get to appreciate what actually freaking IS.

Do you have any idea what a blessing it is to have woken up with the activity of your limbs? to be able to see and hear.

I'm not saying ignore the problems in you life. Just saying take time to appreciate the non-problems... solutions if you will.

Sometimes its hard, not impossible, to let certain thoughts/feelings/past experiences go.

Track 3: State of Mind

I'm very poorly entertained by life as of late.

actually, that's not completely true.
My friends have been great and hanging out with them has been amazing.

I guess, this is just not my optimal summer.

Optimally, I'd like to be an Arbor taking classes with a job and a car. Coming home when I felt like it and stuff.

But, this isn't a terrible summer, I mean my mom's not tripping as much as I expected her too, I get to see my Boyfriend at least once a week, and I have a job. So it definitely could be worst.

I just feel so unhappy randomly. I haven't pin pointed why, I just randomly find myself in a 'bleh' mood. I think this is me going through withdraws about not seeing Mark as much as I had gotten used to during the school year.

This too shall pass, I'm sure.

I need to do some Physics homework, But I'm saving it for Monday evening... don't judge me

I'd really just like for that class to be over with.....


God is really trying to speak to me lately. I'm gonna have to make some sacrifices, soon it seems, and sit down and let him have his way with me. Gotta stop fighting it, you know

Taq's BBQ is later, hopefully that should be fun.

I had fun out last night with my random HS crew. We went to the HoDown, Which turned out to be a horrid idea, but the walking around was fun.

I'm not sure how some of them felt about me, but they didn't seem to mind my presence, which is always good.

Gotta move everything from in front of the windows in the apartments b/c they're putting in new ones. Its crazy inconvinent tho

Church tomorrow, all day long, just like the old days. Gonna try and be optimistic and not make it miserable for myself.

We shall see

Track 2: Physicalities!

So today was the first day of my physics class and my professor is a Conservative Ex-Engineer who likes to drink and ski.

I really cant tell how this class is going to work out.

Hopefully the difficulty I had in getting the correct book for the class is no foreshadowing as to how the class is gonna go.

I got to see Mark when I got outta class today. it was awesome timing.

ate lunch together at his place, watched some tv, ;) and then i took him back to work. It was a nice little hour of my life. Hopefully we can keep this up

I'm thinking about getting a job until my job as an RA starts. I'd like to work in retail somewhere. Just want some change in my pocket, doesn't have to be a life changing job.

Angelica made me feel bad about my summer plans. the look on her face when I told her I wasn't doing research was indescribable. I don't feel the need to explain to the world why this summer is the most optimal for me and I would appreciate if they would stop judging me about it.

Tish and Rosa were arguing on facebook about Rosa being a ho or something. I dont know either one of them that well, which I feel gives me the right to point out that to the outside world, we all think their both hoes.

I love the way Listerine feels when I gargle it. its so minty =D

As far as other things in my life, I'm not sure how there going. I can seem to remember how to maintain friendships, hopefully I remember before its too late

I dont wanna do much with my church anymore. I enjoy going and listening, but as of late I dont wanna be active. idk how to tell my mom that. Or, for that matter, If the discussion is even worth having cuz I'm sure she'd 'make' me go anyway.

I have no idea what Im going to do with my hair

my grandmother has grown to bother me. I try to appreciate her and all, but I think she wakes up in the morning and thinks of ways to make it difficult.

No other news I guess.

[Hook repeats and fades]

Track 1, I guess

Today's mothers day, and so far so good.

Had a great night with Mark, real ghey. Love talk and cuddling. He's leaving for Ann Arbor today.
tho it makes me sad, im working on not worrying about the fate of things. Because at this moment in time, there isn't much i can do about it.

I'm just hoping for the best and smiling. =)
hopefully most of my tears are behind me....

Prelude

I'm not even sure if this is where this regurgitation of my brain belongs, but here goes.

its seems lately that things are changing.

or i am changing

cant really tell which.

its kinda like how when u look up into the sky u think the clouds are moving away from you, when in fact, you are moving away from them.

i haven't figured out my place on this earth yet

and im kinda not looking forward to finding my niche. I mean, having the world as your oyster can be kinda overwhelming, but i appreciate the possibilities

on the surface, im really not looking forward to this summer.

it scares me. too much new responsibilities, too little familiar places. much to unknown.

i think my problem is that i wish i could just stay.

no change. just stay comfortably in my little bubble. enjoying my freedom at college, comfortably falling asleep every night in the arms of the easy love.

but this summer takes all of my comfort away from me. i don't even have my weekly bible study to keep me sane.

the success of my relationships, with friends, family, Mark and God are completely up to me now, not circumstance or convenience.

it just screams "change" to me.

like there's no way for me to maintain the life I'd grown accustom to over the last months.

Sheridan calls it breaking the addiction

if that's really the case, then I'm not looking forward to detoxing...

but, in the end, what will be, will be and not grabbing this bull by the horns will def. be seen as a major mistake when i look back over this summer in the fall.

So, for the sake of that bull, I'll stop bitching and deal with this change and do the best i can without what I think i need.

We. Shall. See